I visited my husband (who was my boyfriend then) in England for the first time in July 2016.
It was the trip that changed my life. Why?
I decided to move here to be with him after that.
I enjoyed that trip so much that I didn’t think I could be as happy again if I didn’t move over to be with him.
But as a foreigner, I could not just move here, so I thought I would sign up a course.
I got in a MSc course, which granted me the status to be in England with him (legally)
Does this sound familiar to you? Maybe
It was just like what happened in the movie.
I gave up a promising doctorate degree in America and moved across the world to be with my prince.
But that was not it.
I am currently struggling to find my place here.
I miss my old friends who now live across the world.
I cannot find a job in my field.
I feel out of place every now and then.
When I lived in America as a foreign student, I often felt out of place, and I thought moving to England would be better if I could be with my partner.
However, it does not seem to be the case.
I wish I could be the “spotlight”, but most often I am just a buried seed.
Sometimes I feel like a “spotlight”, except the attention I receive may be hostile.
Sometimes I feel the opposite. I feel invisible like nobody can see me.
Sometimes I feel weighed down by this unseen chain. The message that I don’t belong is heavy. No matter where I go or what I do, it is there.
It is difficult to explain these to my husband who is a White British male and has lived here all his life.
I don’t expect him to understand, but finding a way to release these emotions is difficult.
I realised that unseen chain is stopping me from reaching out.
The only safe place I have is here. WordPress.
It saddens me to find myself in a society where honesty is discouraged and sugarcoating is encouraged.
I cannot tell you how many times I thought of telling someone about my experience and then decided not to because of the shame and fear involved.
Shame about my decision of leaving home and going somewhere that does not welcome foreigners
Fear of people finding me crazy and overthinking instead of understanding me
I have not changed my sir name since the marriage, and I am not sure if I should.
I don’t want to deal with people who ask, “what is your real name?” “that is not your real name”
I also feel like changing it is deceiving myself by believing I will “get there”, a society that sugarcoats equality and diversity.
Perhaps changing my name will help me “fit in”, but it would not fit my identity.
I hope one day I will find my place without changing any part of me.
Being original is overrated when society expects you to conform and compromise.